“I wrote a thousand words every day." Jack London
...Perhaps a lazy persons guide to keeping all of her journal entries together. i suppose writing free hand would contribute more to the creative process, but i also know that it would contribute less to the purpose of me writing in the first place...In order to have all china stories/experiences consolidated to one place.
Work is going alright, but I do have one major complaint. Recently, the other Chinese teachers have stopped sitting in my classes with me. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I spoke Chinese, but I don't, and trying to teach for 80 minutes without anyone to help translate can be a tad difficult. Putting discipline issues aside, I'm not sure how effective it is either. Call me crazy, but I imagine that the kids would probably be learning a lot more if there were someone present to make sure they understood what I was saying. Nothing frustrates me more than when they all raise their hands, "Teacha!" and ask me questions in Chinese that I cannot understand. As a teacher, there is nothing more rewarding than seeing the metaphorical light bulb go off in a student's head once I realize that they finally understand something I have been teaching.
"I think I'm having a bad China day.." "...Yeah, China days are certainly something we all have to deal with from time to time. I always try to offset it by doing something I love that I can't do back home..." I came across this conversation tonight while reading a 'China non-job related forum' on eslcafe.com. A website that at times is the most comforting thing in existence to me here. And its funny, because for the 2 years that I lived in Europe, I probably never looked at this website once. Anyway, I came across this conversation tonight and it made me smile. Was comforting to read that I'm not the only one who has taken the liberty to classify their days into 2 categories. 'Good China days'...'Bad China days.' Today was, for all intents and purposes, a bad China day. I dunno. Maybe I should restructure how I label my days. Maybe there should also be a category entitled 'China is ok, but my boss sucks ass.' As I've said, living here, you learn to let things roll off your back. And I have. But its the things that happen to me which cause me to question my ability in the capacity of my profession, that I find very difficult to disregard. I love teaching and feel that I'm a great teacher. However, when you put me in a room with 16 Chinese kids that are all about 8 years old and who speak absolutely no English at all, I start to feel nothing if not incompetent. When I receive no help from the Chinese teachers, in regards to lesson planning and translating, it makes me feel even smaller. And the best part is when I am criticized afterwards, in broken English, by a Chinese teacher who wasn't even in the classroom during my lesson. I'm starting to think that in terms of teaching English as a foreign language, I am much more suited for adults/older kids than I am the very young ones. Hell, I didn't like subbing/student teaching with the younger ones in the states. Ask any kindergarten teacher in American why they don't teach junior high and they will tell you its because junior high teachers must be insane to put up with kids that age. Concurrently, ask any junior high teacher why they don't teach kindergarten and you will likely get a similar response. Now throw in the fact that your students don't speak your language and have no effing clue as to what 99% of what you're saying means. I don't like feeling like an entertainer. I prefer literature or relevant worldly banter over playing games. One of the scariest things, is that while I have always regarded myself as a very creative person, most of the time when it comes to me making up games to play with these kids its as if I have no mind at all. Literally. The well of creativity has been tapped dry and as hard as I try to conjure up something that might spark their interest, the entire time I'm really wishing I was teaching a business English class to a bunch of 18 year olds, preparing to embark on their first trip abroad. My mother told me that I'm too literal for kids this young. Considering that she has been teaching for longer than I have been alive, suffice it to say that I respect her opinion on this.
I'm sitting with several of my foreign teacher friends right now, and I was just told to step away from the screen and into my drink. And its funny, because regardless, we will still sit here and talk about nothing except for our jobs until we leave. The 'things my students do that I hate' topic has already showed its familiar face. ... That being said, its still the greatest most exciting feeling in the world. Being scared of something new, does not mean that you don't welcome it with open arms. Matter of fact, I can't think of anything in my life that I have welcomed more.
English 101 with my cab driver. I don't know how it got brought up but when he found out that I was an English teacher he lit up like a Christmas tree. It was pretty funny. The only word he wanted to know was 'money.' After I told him how to say it he proceeded to say it out loud about 10 times in a row. I also threw 'left' and 'right' into the mini lesson. Figured that as a cab driver, directions would probably be good.
Looking like scattered ants
The people from where I sailed
No engine to elevate, no wings there to soar
No captain or copilot to see me ashore
Only a gentle light, burning far off and to the west
Resonating comfort while whispering release
I held on so tight and ascended towards that light
Smiling with resolution as I saw you below
Because I knew in that fleeting moment
It was ok to let go
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*26 days after being released; time is almost 1/15/14
Why does listening to melancholy music always make me feel anything but melancholy?
I wondered why nobody else
Openly communicated through spoken word or silence
About the shear beauty of having one's time to one's self
Solitude
And perhaps company, when paired with your audacious mind
It was as if no one aside from myself
Noted the joy of being alone
In one's head
Resting on the breaches of solitary confinement
Even though sometimes it carries me to places
Where I see what might have been
Then trying to play it cool
Is impossible for me to do
But still your sometimes light
I can see it flashing bright
Somewhere far off in the distance
And then I knew why silence was golden
As I helped solitude to quiet her voice
It was then that I thought about you
And decided it true
That I would never feel lonely again
