“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.” Oscar Wilde

“He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.”

 Oscar Wilde

So, I just had my very first Christmas without my family. And while I had a great time with other expats, the void of family was still there. Lingering and resembling that of a shadow. In 2 days, it will mark my being in China for 7 months. I still marvel at this country. Everyday I encounter something that leaves me dumbfounded. Everyday, I become more aware of the extent to which our cultures are truly polar opposites. Did it take me 7 months to figure this out? Perhaps. On a happier note, one of my best friends, Eve, gets here today. She is flying all the way from The Netherlands to see me and her timing couldn't be more perfect. I've been in somewhat of a funk lately. A very merited funk, to say the least. And the pollution here is another story, only adding to the funk. The pollution is apparently the worst it has ever been in Hangzhou. It was so bad that they actually closed the schools in Shanghai . Every person I pass on the street wears a surgical mask. Lets just say that I haven't seen a star at night, let alone the sun (the true sun), in months. A giant blanket of gray covers the sky. Enveloping the atmosphere not unlike a cloak of filth. I have decided to leave China earlier than I had planned. My original plan was to return to the states in late May. However, plans have changed, as I have changed. It looks like I will be returning stateside, hopefully, in early February. 
Its cold as hell here. 32 degrees feels colder than negative 20 in Colorado. This puts somewhat of a damper on sightseeing...which I will be doing all week when Eve arrives. I look forward to her arrival, but I am also dreading her departure. For I will miss her dearly. I am not working now, and thus my days are filled with nothing but reading, writing and listening to music. I need to find an art store and buy some canvases so I can start painting again. The isolation is starting to take its toll on me. My spirit is not yet broken, but everyday is a test of strength and motivation. All of my friends work all day, so its not like I can hang out with them in the afternoon. And quite frankly, I'm at the point where I feel that I have seen as much of China as I want or need to see. Hell, I haven't even unpacked my suitcases since I've moved into my new apartment. This gypsy lifestyle I've been living, makes permanency seem so unattainable. If you never unpack your suitcase, then you never have to repack once you move again. At least that's the way I see it. And I can finally, for the first time in my life, say with complete conviction, that I am ready to live a life of normality. I am ready to unpack those suitcases and put them in the closet...at home in Houston

                                                          

Surviving Chinese prison, personal notes,thoughts,quotes,poems and people....

Queen dawn reigned

From the sofa's corner

Legs propped up, half smiling at him as the music played

And I talked typed faces

As he drank bourbon

And sipped some beer

The republicans weren't afraid

So you gave me your recipe

...stir the eggs gently

And wait for the batter to rise

My glasses came loose and as we looked for the screw

You came out of your disguise
And then I fell into you

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Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."    Francis Bacon, Sr.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

12/19/13...3 hours post release

I am alive. After receiving many emails asking me if I was, I thought I should clear the air on the subject...yes, I'm alive! And while the writer in me wants nothing more than to thoroughly divulge every last detail of what I have been up to here of late, the more pragmatic side of me knows better. And to be honest, pragmatism is not something I like to incorporate in my writing, ever. That being said, suffice it to say that for the first time since I have started this blog, I am genuinely at a loss for words as for what to tell you readers. Just know that I am safe, I am brave, I am enlightened, and I will continue to write about the happenings in this crazy country I call home, China. However, I will say this...not being able to write for the past month, has perhaps been more beneficial to my creativity than it has been stifling. In the process of trying to consolidate the stories to be told. And there are many stories to be told. I chuckle when I go back and read my very first entry in this blog. The last sentence in my very first blog ends with, "...Its only just begun." Foreshadowing has never been so bold.

12/19/13; Hangzhou, Zhejiang, China

I understand little of anything that I hear

I understand a smile

And I know the meaning of power

Loneliness fades as the days fade as well

And the doing of my own actions are what have put me in this hell

A face that I think of, I think thinks of me too

A beautiful stranger of whom I shouldn't even know

Is possibly an angel

 Sent to watch over me and to see that I grow

 Miles apart between us the atmosphere does lurk

I am not a part of it

Foreign faces, foreign words, foreign films

This is my reality now

Bravery takes center stage

But fear always lingers in the back

My own bravado is shocking to me

Seeing how very much of it I lack

Regret is an emotion that I don't believe in at all

Its consequences open the doors to experience

And its only through experience that we learn

I must grow from what I have done, and learn to lock the box

To keep safe the secrets 

 From the other one's thoughts