Surviving Chinese prison, personal notes,thoughts,quotes,poems and people....

Queen dawn reigned

From the sofa's corner

Legs propped up, half smiling at him as the music played

And I talked typed faces

As he drank bourbon

And sipped some beer

The republicans weren't afraid

So you gave me your recipe

...stir the eggs gently

And wait for the batter to rise

My glasses came loose and as we looked for the screw

You came out of your disguise
And then I fell into you

------------------------

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."    Francis Bacon, Sr.

12/20/13--I wrote this the day after I was released from prison

Locked up abroad. When one hears this, they think of a tv show. But, when I hear this, I think of the 32 horrid days I spent locked up in a Chinese prison. I was scared, I was alone, I couldn't communicate with anyone. But, perhaps the most imprisoning feeling was not the steel bars, the language barrier or the filth. Perhaps the most imprisoning thing to me was the absence of a pen and paper. Thus, making me a prisoner of my own mind. I couldn't talk to anyone; no one spoke English, and I couldn't write. Jesus, I don't know if its God, if there is a God, but I know that there is a higher power, and I know that that higher power, whatever it may be, was with me the entire time I was in there. I was bullied, I took one shower every 2 weeks (freezing cold water, no soap), didn't brush my hair for over a month, and I used the restroom in a hole. There were 2 holes right next to each other...and you just got used to it. Never in a million years would I think I would be able to use the restroom with 20 other women watching.  Twice a week I had to clean the holes that sufficed as toilets. Words cannot begin to describe how disgusting it was. The first 3 weeks were the toughest. Mentally and physically, I would never wish the suffering on my worst enemy. Words aren't enough to describe the ineffability of it all. I cried, although I tried to hide my tears, for crying is something frowned upon in jail. I would think about my family and their routines, and because my parents are so set in their routines, I found great comfort in knowing what they were doing, and at what time. The 2nd two weeks, I started to regain my strength. The American Embassy came to visit me from Shanghai, and they brought me English books. You have no idea what those English books did for my psyche. Although I never really knew what time it was in there, no clocks, they played music as to cue us in our daily routine. Every day was the same. Redundancy has never shown its face as much as it did in there. Oddly enough, I knew most of the music. Music without lyrics, mostly classical (Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake was how I knew it was time to line up for bed). They even played the song that was played at my college graduation, so weird. Ave Maria was a hard one to hear. The first time I heard it I started crying. And I found it so incredibly odd that such a song would be played in such a Godless place. Not one woman in there, aside from myself, prayed. Ironically, there were women in there for believing in God. (Just not the God that the Chinese government wants them to believe in. It's truly insane.) One woman had been in there for 5 months for practicing Falun Gong (a spiritual practice that incorporates Buddhism, Taoism and Confucianism ), she is still awaiting her sentencing. I am free again, while so many other innocent people are not. Never again will I take such a liberty as freedom for granted. I am free.

12/28/13

I know I should probably be writing these journal entries rather than typing them, but this just seems more convenient. Since getting out, every day has been a constant struggle. I feel so helpless. I am helpless. I have no rights, I have no passport and I have no concrete answers from the police. They tell me everything from, "You go home in 2 months," to, "You go home month and half," to "Maybe you go home one month." (*Little did I know, it would be 4 more months until the government released my passport back to me.) It's the not knowing that kills me.  God knows I am a strong person. Stronger than I ever knew I was. I don't know where it comes from, God I suppose. I thank God every day for my faith, my family, and my mind. It's amazing how powerful of a tool the mind is. How positive thinking and a will to persevere can do such wonders for the mind. I woke up crying today. Called mom and she made me feel better. I can't explain how jail changed me, but it did. I feel that I am not quite the 'happy go lucky' girl that I was prior to all this. I am more serious. But I have faith that I will return to normal Suzanne once I get back to Houston. I am an absolute believer in that everything happens for a reason. And I know that it is usually in retrospect that we find the answers to such questions. I can't leave Hangzhou until my case is over..whenever that may be. It's essentially like I'm on house arrest. Waking up every morning with absolutely nothing to do will eat at your mind like nothing  you can imagine. I think today I will take some pictures outside and send to family. The sun is out and the pollution isn't as bad as it has been the past few weeks. Although I am strong, I have never felt so weak.

1/3/14
 I am crying every day, pretty much all day. It's hard to pray. But I pray that this goes away in a week or so. And I pray that I can find something to occupy my days left here. Trying to keep busy is the hardest part. If I work or leave the city, I go back to jail. I considered  tutoring out of my apartment to make some money, but I'm pretty sure that the guards at our apartment complex have been tipped off by the police. I miss my family so much.

1/4
Wow, what a difference a day can make. I have made myself think positive thoughts. I have read and reread Judith Orloff's book on positive energy. I am struggling, but I am maintaining. My great Aunt Catsy died today. That did not in any way, shape or form contribute to my well being or mindset. Broke my heart. Broke my heart for my mother, aunts, and 2nd cousins..all of whom I am actually close to. Big Catholic family. I am listening to music right now for the first time in a long time. I have been neither physically nor mentally able to listen to music here of late...ironically the one thing in my life I have always been able to depend on. I realize just how strong the mind is. What a powerful muscle, figuratively speaking, it truly is. It almost sounds ridiculous. 'Convince yourself that you're happy and you will be happy.' Its true. Keeping a straight head and a level mind is something you almost have to be conscious of every minute...but the tricky part is, you shouldn't really try to be conscious of it. You have to let it be and allow the energy to come to you on its own schedule. I started meditating in jail. At least 3-4 hours a day, non-consecutively, we had to sit Indian style and in silence. It hurt my ass like hell...but it strengthened my faith and energy. Perhaps I am grateful for this. I am. As God does make everything happen for a reason, I believe this entire experience happened for a reason and will only make me stronger. It must. Mom told me that this afternoon. Her words were actually "What a trooper" she thinks I am. Made me happy to hear. She commended my bravery and told me that my strength is, "Not unlike an untapped well." It's a wonderful feeling to know that the ones I love are rooting for me and in support of my wellness and well-being. I have always had an inner voice, allowing me to remain brave in the face of eminent danger; something which I regard with a great deal of importance. It's like a game, and I have to win. As narcissistic as that may sound, it is also something that has served of great purpose in my life. Being able to overcome adversity is perhaps one of the most important qualities I value in myself. Jumping over hurdles. Again and again and again. Shit hits the fan and you just move on because you have to...not even because you want to. Want is not a part of the equation. You do what you have to do because its the only way that you are able to move forward with your life while maintaining your sanity. Even writing right now is not an easy feat, but I know I must. I must keep exercising my brain; I must keep moving forward and living in the present. Living in the present while not forgetting the horrible past of what has happened to me. Things like this only happen in movies. Oh, what a story I will have to tell. Last night couldn't fall asleep until about 3 am. Now it's 7 pm, and I'm wondering if will be able to stay up to skype with dad. He and Deb leave for New Orleans in the morning. I hate it when they leave town, and they always go out of town. Very selfish of me, I know, but skyping with him every night is something I look forward to so much. 

1/14/14

 I have told a close cousin about what has happened; its nice to have family to talk to. She messages me everyday now to check on how I'm doing. Its sweet of her.  She said she researched "Chinese prison" online for a few hours, and can't believe that I came out ok, physically. It's the mental part that's been the most challenging. I'm so excited to get back home, but I am also so nervous. My work has always defined me. Its going to be tough, but good I think, working up until next school year. I cannot wait until next school year. My own classroom and to be near my family. Something that just one month ago seemed almost completely unattainable to me. I'm at the coffee shop right now, reading some journal entries I wrote at jail #1. Wow, to read these right now is really a trip. I had no idea what was in store for me. 

(taken directly from notes written in jail #1) sample from journal..day before sent to jail #2 (will not be allowed to write for next month in jail #2...parents still unaware I am in jail)
.. 11/21/13

         My life as I know it is over. I was found guilty and I am in jail awaiting my sentencing. Could be 10 days could be 20. (*only after being released could i know it would be 29 days.) I can't bear to think about it. I remember this summer going almost 3 weeks without talking to my parents. SO hopefully again like summer they won't be too concerned. I almost can't even think of the day I walk out of here. Its too far to begin thinking of...so if I'm trying to be positive, I can say my family has gone this long without talking to me, I will easily be able to find another job...I need to stay strong and just keep telling myself these things everyday. Everything will be ok. I always survive. I am a survivor. Again, I think of Amanda Knox and how she must have felt during those 4 years. Thankful now that I have watched all these programs about girls in similar situations to know how they stayed strong. Right now I work on myself and will work on the things out of my control when I get out. God, I pray it's no longer than 15 days. I pray. Will he have mercy on me? My gut tells me to expect the worst and my mind desperately tries to remain positive. The legal videos they make us watch at night are rubbish. You should see what they (the state) make us watch in regards to different 'crimes'. This country is so backwards and fucked up. It's no wonder facebook and youtube are banned. I don't know if I will return to China when I leave. End of night I hate so much. We are forced to sit and write, in silence, when I have already written all day long anyway. I have nothing in here to kill my time like the other girls do....I will be strong and survive this with my friend *Yang Fang. She is my sister here and because she speaks English, I depend on her and am grateful to once again have a sense of repose. I will be strong, get out, find a new job quickly and tell my parents I went away for a while because of the visa/residency permit issues. The school did lie to me and that was an honest mistake on my part. But, they knew exactly what they were doing...There are only beautiful things ahead of me. Its only the present that is my current test of strength.  Time can go by as fast or slow as you allow it. Positivity can be a trying thing but I have found that it is also the only thing powerful enough to keep you going during a time such as this. I know I have a hard couple of weeks or so ahead of me, but I also know that once its over, I have the ability to live a wonderful life again. And that I definitely will. God watches over me and my angels do too. They help provide me with the strength I need when I lack it. 

sample from journal 11/21/13...(***and the following day will mark the last day that I am allowed to use a pencil and paper to write for next 29 days while I am transferred to a bigger and much more horrible jail.)

I hate it here. The rules are so strict, like the army, the Chinese army. Its freezing in here and even with 2 jackets on, a hat, yoga pants AND jeans, I am always shivering and cold. The doctor here has been giving me xanax 3 times a day which is a God send. I guess they are afraid of the 'white devil' freaking out and losing her shit...which I wouldn't put past myself at this point. We get a 2 hour nap after lunch, which is nice. We are not allowed to lie or sit on our beds unless its sleep time. The only time I am free is when I am asleep. In the evening we are forced to watch Chinese tv on crime, although though I don't understand any of it. I have to sit on a tiny plastic stool that they provide us with. We are told when to sit and stand and evenings are definitely the worst time of the day. One evil, and I mean evil, police lady screamed at me today for not finishing my dinner. It was disgusting and I was full. She literally stood over me screaming at me in Chinese and forced me to eat it until it was all gone. Who does that? The way people are treated is indescribable. I always joked about one day being locked up abroad and now I suppose I can say I have been. It's a horrible, lonely feeling to not be able to communicate or ask anyone what's ever going on. No one speaks English and its awful. I can't ask for help, I want to die. I've never felt so helpless. 
...I have the best eyes of the bunch, so I'm the only one able to look through the crack in the door and read the clock. Therefore, I have become the unofficial time teller. One girl in here is OCD crazy and all she does is go around the room 'tidying up' things that are already perfect to begin with. Its like she's afraid of something. It will be a miracle if I get out of here without getting sick...Today the guards gave me a new roommate in my cell that speaks English. Was nice of them. Life is definitely a lot better in here now, having someone to 'talk' to. Hours go by faster and I am getting to learn some Chinese. 
...Today is Thursday, the 22nd. I must sleep here tonight and tomorrow night. Which means I only have to endure 2 more nights of being forced to watch the horrid Chinese legal shows and films and news that I understand none of. 2 more full days....(*not exactly, I will find out in one day that i will be transferred to a more horrible jail and will be there for 1 more month)...If I don't lose my job then this whole experience will be something I will actually get to look back on and regress, learn and talk about in time. Almost all of the girls I am rooming with are sick. There are 7 of us in here now. (*there will be 21 of us in my next cell.)

*sample from letter I never got to send...

This place gets scarier every minute and all I do is cry. It is SO cold as there is no heater. The guards tell us when we are allowed to sit and stand. It’s crazy and it makes me hate this country. The police are liars and they can be either very nice or very mean. I am very sad here, I'm afraid. It’s freezing in here and I shiver all day long. They leave the lights on at night when we sleep, so I tie a pair of pants around my head to block out the light (*as i will NOT be able to do at next jail)...I wish I had a Chinese/English dictionary so I could communicate with people here. It is very lonely to go all day without being able to talk to anyone because no one speaks English. The days here go by very slow. 

Expressionless faces have never had so much meaning
I wonder what they think when they stare at me
I wonder if I'd even want to know
The moon accompanies me when I need guidance
And I need guidance more than I care to admit
How safe and beautiful and consolatory it is to gaze upon it
And watch it glare back at me
All the while knowing that only 1 moon exists
The same one looked upon by every human being that I know
On Green Dolphin Street, is where I'm wandering now
And as I roam
A fellow friend, an artist, reaches to me through music
And although I can't reach out to many
I find this is the only proximity to happiness that is within my reach
When I chose to survive
I needed no one to help me or tell me why
And its in that fleeting moment of clarity, when suddenly you realize you're aware
That the saddest moments can become your closest friends 
And the loneliness you live with is only there to hold your hand

"The Chinese always justify their lack of knowledge about the outside world with the lack of proper education and propaganda, how do you justify  the lack of basic knowledge about China?"