“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.” Oscar Wilde

“He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.”

 Oscar Wilde

So, I just had my very first Christmas without my family. And while I had a great time with other expats, the void of family was still there. Lingering and resembling that of a shadow. In 2 days, it will mark my being in China for 7 months. I still marvel at this country. Everyday I encounter something that leaves me dumbfounded. Everyday, I become more aware of the extent to which our cultures are truly polar opposites. Did it take me 7 months to figure this out? Perhaps. On a happier note, one of my best friends, Eve, gets here today. She is flying all the way from The Netherlands to see me and her timing couldn't be more perfect. I've been in somewhat of a funk lately. A very merited funk, to say the least. And the pollution here is another story, only adding to the funk. The pollution is apparently the worst it has ever been in Hangzhou. It was so bad that they actually closed the schools in Shanghai . Every person I pass on the street wears a surgical mask. Lets just say that I haven't seen a star at night, let alone the sun (the true sun), in months. A giant blanket of gray covers the sky. Enveloping the atmosphere not unlike a cloak of filth. I have decided to leave China earlier than I had planned. My original plan was to return to the states in late May. However, plans have changed, as I have changed. It looks like I will be returning stateside, hopefully, in early February. 
Its cold as hell here. 32 degrees feels colder than negative 20 in Colorado. This puts somewhat of a damper on sightseeing...which I will be doing all week when Eve arrives. I look forward to her arrival, but I am also dreading her departure. For I will miss her dearly. I am not working now, and thus my days are filled with nothing but reading, writing and listening to music. I need to find an art store and buy some canvases so I can start painting again. The isolation is starting to take its toll on me. My spirit is not yet broken, but everyday is a test of strength and motivation. All of my friends work all day, so its not like I can hang out with them in the afternoon. And quite frankly, I'm at the point where I feel that I have seen as much of China as I want or need to see. Hell, I haven't even unpacked my suitcases since I've moved into my new apartment. This gypsy lifestyle I've been living, makes permanency seem so unattainable. If you never unpack your suitcase, then you never have to repack once you move again. At least that's the way I see it. And I can finally, for the first time in my life, say with complete conviction, that I am ready to live a life of normality. I am ready to unpack those suitcases and put them in the closet...at home in Houston

                                                          

Surviving Chinese prison, personal notes,thoughts,quotes,poems and people....

Queen dawn reigned

From the sofa's corner

Legs propped up, half smiling at him as the music played

And I talked typed faces

As he drank bourbon

And sipped some beer

The republicans weren't afraid

So you gave me your recipe

...stir the eggs gently

And wait for the batter to rise

My glasses came loose and as we looked for the screw

You came out of your disguise
And then I fell into you

------------------------

Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."    Francis Bacon, Sr.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

12/19/13...3 hours post release

I am alive. After receiving many emails asking me if I was, I thought I should clear the air on the subject...yes, I'm alive! And while the writer in me wants nothing more than to thoroughly divulge every last detail of what I have been up to here of late, the more pragmatic side of me knows better. And to be honest, pragmatism is not something I like to incorporate in my writing, ever. That being said, suffice it to say that for the first time since I have started this blog, I am genuinely at a loss for words as for what to tell you readers. Just know that I am safe, I am brave, I am enlightened, and I will continue to write about the happenings in this crazy country I call home, China. However, I will say this...not being able to write for the past month, has perhaps been more beneficial to my creativity than it has been stifling. In the process of trying to consolidate the stories to be told. And there are many stories to be told. I chuckle when I go back and read my very first entry in this blog. The last sentence in my very first blog ends with, "...Its only just begun." Foreshadowing has never been so bold.

12/19/13; Hangzhou, Zhejiang, China

I understand little of anything that I hear

I understand a smile

And I know the meaning of power

Loneliness fades as the days fade as well

And the doing of my own actions are what have put me in this hell

A face that I think of, I think thinks of me too

A beautiful stranger of whom I shouldn't even know

Is possibly an angel

 Sent to watch over me and to see that I grow

 Miles apart between us the atmosphere does lurk

I am not a part of it

Foreign faces, foreign words, foreign films

This is my reality now

Bravery takes center stage

But fear always lingers in the back

My own bravado is shocking to me

Seeing how very much of it I lack

Regret is an emotion that I don't believe in at all

Its consequences open the doors to experience

And its only through experience that we learn

I must grow from what I have done, and learn to lock the box

To keep safe the secrets 

 From the other one's thoughts

lost poetry

I get sick of their banter
Their meaningless exchanges of words
Tossed back and forth the way words should never be tossed
Frivolously, avant-garde
Phony normality meant to calm the nerves of minds like mine?
With cynicism and objectivity I measure it out
Weigh the situation that is so nicely sprinkled with empty compliments
And buttered with simplicity
You are who you're with
Oxymoronic, smile and nod, keep slipping through the cracks
And struggle with the anticipation that always follows struggle
The absence of a void that allows you to blend back in
Just in the nick of time
And
As day fades to night, my cynicism fades
I can rest
My mind is clear
And everything that got in my way no longer matters
I revel in this peace 
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please don't assume you know me
Because the way I am fools everyone now
I don't think you could put me back together
If I shattered at your feet
But I listen closely
And the heat it swelters
Because I don't want to love anyone now
So I try and keep pace with the rhythm that I'm thrown
And I desperately try to convince myself, that I can't stand to be alone
But it's interrupted by the way I talk
And the way you drift
And what that does for you
Nothing for me 
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Insignia

I can feel the pull of gravity and it spins me to no end
The moon is full and so they say
That tonight we'll all go mad
I carefully commence my plan of escape
Retreating from their chaos
A moon so full it spoke
Ancient whispers of forces that pull people to madness
And calamity to sadness
Bitter sweet moon do you make the calls
The ones of justice when no one knows the truth
Like the erroneous origin of time
Obsolescent, but we follow its prophecy of truth
I don't buy time, and I don't even care
I never wear a watch, and by a full moon I will swear
That people drift through phases
Lost in thought, yet so engaged
Not seeing when it's okay to not realize
The complete significance of life 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

insignificance

Let's all play together
Mind games
Let's all pretend to care
As we acknowledge inferior authority
With glazed over, empty stares
The bravado of one is noninfectious unto me
It makes me bored so I disengage
And allow myself to be free
I leave this place and let my mind take the wheel
My body continues its cycle of complacency
And my thoughts fly furiously through the air
I look down at them and laugh
Because I can't make myself care
I will not be owned
By one who is ignorant
A peasant uninformed to life
And the knowledge that it holds
You have to keep your mind in motion
And from regressing you will learn
That a happy place you thought you'd lost
Will soon be yours to own

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You sit and wait
Longing for that call while allowing your mind to spin in circles
But it won't always come
So you push
You wait some more
Until the idea of praying doesn't sound like such a bad idea
I wanted to cry 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

revival

Darkness falls
My memories lurk
Over me like the gravy I do not eat
With the mashed potatoes that I loathe
Close knit circles of people who share
Like the bees that crave the same sugar that they do
Comfort and peace
Two words lost along the way
My silhouette is fading like sunsets on cold snowy days
I have arrived
Alone at my place
No more doubts
No more doubts 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                                            

                                  Compliantly floating

                                   Not through the air

                            But through all of these days

When your mind reels in on something it shouldn't be thinking of
And yet your heart just doesn't care
In the darkness of secrets, outside, that's where we always met
Cold slabs of pavement, muffled voices, tears and smoke…the smoke and mirrors
That eventually led me back to you
Thousands of miles of ocean to deter, but your name always on the tip of my tongue
To be so free, yet to be a prisoner all the sameAlways defeated, but still winning the game
I take their jabs and their cold foreign stares
And retreat inside my memory
A place that's free of cares

=========================================================

Take back the time
 Take back the faces
Keep a couple of memories, but fill in the missing spaces
Read it, learn it, live it
You're a product of it now
The million empty stares that glide across the concrete
How they frightened you at first, but how you grew so in their graces
What rolls off of their tongue when they speak
Now rolls right off of yours 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Most memories fade
But it seems that mine drift
Bewildered by their antiquity, left hanging on their rift
Rainy day music echoes in the back
Of a room that is darkened by perpetual black
Overwhelmed by emotion, and with not one shadow of a doubt
I envision the city, and all of its filth
Just so I'm able to find my way out
Drenched with the water that the sky no longer wants
Blanketing the waste and embracing the hurt
I flip to the next page to find bluer skies
And with great abandon
Close my ears to their cries

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So our plane I guess was probable, that its conclusion would end up grounded
And through its windows it was clear
Of the indifference through which it sounded
The girls all kept their smiles
But in their faces a facade
That stood out and stared
And it made me wonder
From what dynamics this was born
Every time I prepare to board, it's always on my mind
How the disenchantment of fortuity potentially paves the road ahead
Always selective hearing, but not always done through choice
I muse my own reality
And then I disregard its voice
------------------------------------------------
At night
Everything falls into place, i feel alive
Like lyrics to one of my favorite songs, save for a shift of subject
Maybe not
Maybe i am silently screaming, but screaming for what
Happiness, struggle, aggression...maybe all of them
Will i find out why i put myself through this, before my time here is up
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I understand little of anything that I hear
I understand a smile
And I know the meaning of power
Loneliness fades as the days fade as well
And the doing of my own actions are what have put me in this hell
A face that I think of, I think thinks of me too
A beautiful stranger of whom I shouldn't even know
Is possibly an angel
 Sent to watch over me and to see that I grow
 Miles apart between us the atmosphere does lurk
I am not a part of it
Foreign faces, foreign words, foreign films
This is my reality now
Bravery takes center stage
But fear always lingers in the back
My own bravado is shocking to me
Seeing how very much of it I lack
Regret is an emotion that I don't believe in at all
Its consequences open the doors to experience
And its only through experience that we learn
I must grow from what I have done, and I must learn to lock the box
To keep safe the secrets 
From the other ones thoughts
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I listened to that song over and over, hearing all the words that I now know by heart

Frantically writing in invisible ink

The thoughts to decide if I would swim or sink

Words about flying and being free, words that I clung to

But could never really see

The cage is never big enough once you find yourself inside

And the air is never breathable when you share with half the night

One ear to the ground and cover your ass, don’t talk to strangers, stay off the grass

Redundancy always beats its wings to a pulp

And while imagination might starve you to death, the beat will always goes on

Take advantage of your situation or it will take advantage of you

And learn to blend in, not just to endure

A well of creativity, one could never have fathomed dry

Has been tapped of all its greatness

And has now been left to die

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lightning stung my eyes so

But just in time for me to open and see

A plane of beauty, so effervescent it was

That I could not look out and see your face

But it was in my mind, tattooed and bare

And the beauty of it offset my time

But then I lost you too, the summer wind

And although I sometimes find

That I am still alive

When the night does all but end

If I could just come in for a moment
I swear I’ll take nothing but a memory

Because its only out here that I am truly aware

That I am undeniably someone else

I hear all of their music

And God it sounds sweet

But I cannot ever tell which ones will tell the great story

And which ones like sand

Will wash away 
To never be heard from again

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wondered if I’d see the picture

The one where she is dressed in only white

And happiness all seems but brimming

From echoes in the starry sky

When day finally greets me

That then I’m forced to look and see

The two haunted faces before me

That remind me I am free

From the strain and confusion of a time when I

Once though that I was blessed

But rose above the weights

No longer pulling me down

To look at the larger picture and

Seemingly smile to know

That no one was even around when it happened

And when I smile again

It is just because then

I realize I am able

To let it all go
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expressionless faces have never had so much meaning

I wonder what they think when they stare at me

I wonder if I'd even want to know

The moon accompanies me when I need guidance

And I need guidance more than I care to admit

How safe and beautiful and consolatory it is to gaze upon it

And watch it glare back at me

All the while knowing that only 1 moon exists

The same one looked upon by every human being that I know

On Green Dolphin Street, is where I'm wondering now

And as I roam

A fellow friend, an artist, reaches to me through music

And although I can't reach out to many

I find this is the only proximity to happiness that is within my reach

When I chose to survive

I needed no one to help me or tell me why

And its in that fleeting moment of clarity, when suddenly you realize you're aware

That the saddest moments can become your closest friends 

And the loneliness you live with is only there to hold your hand

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked around for so long and never knew I was lost

Until I met you

I never knew what unhappiness was

Or how much longing could hurt

Until I left you

And the pain was too much

When I was lonely and doubt shook my hand

Your kindness came to greet me and give fortitude again

When we were together I never knew such joy

And when oceans crept between us I felt emptiness galore

You impressed upon me, a stamp that was all your own

Filtering out all of the doubts and struggles that my heart has ever known

Looking like scattered ants

The people from where I sailed

No engine to elevate, no wings there to soar

No captain or copilot to see me ashore

Only a gentle light, burning far off and to the west

Resonating comfort while whispering release

I held on so tight and ascended towards that light

Smiling with resolution as I saw you below

Because I knew in that moment 

It was ok to let go

———————————

I wondered why nobody else

Openly communicated through spoken word or silence

About the shear beauty of having one's time to one's self

Solitude

And perhaps company, when paired with your audacious mind

It was as if no one aside from myself

Noted the joy of being alone

In one's head

Resting on the breaches of solitary confinement

Even though sometimes it carries me to places

Where I see what might have been

Then trying to play it cool

Is impossible for me to do

But still your sometimes light

I can see it flashing bright

Somewhere far off in the distance

And then I knew why silence was golden

As I helped solitude to quiet her voice

It was then that I thought about you

And decided it true

That I would never feel lonely again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun clipped the wing of the plane

But it didn’t clip mine

Mine were still engulfed in the shadows

The others eyes still closed-not yet ready for dawn 

Some brave ones were ready to see

That rising ball of fire, so desperately wanting to greet me

I counted back the hours

From 6 to 5 and finally to 1

Your day had ended, and mine had just begun

A solo trip for two and from departure I knew

That I couldn’t waste the time 

Because it had only just begun

***********************************

Queen dawn reigned

From the sofa's corner

Legs propped up, half smiling at him as the music played

And I talked typed faces

As he drank bourbon

And sipped some beer

The republicans weren't afraid

So you gave me your recipe

...stir the eggs gently

And wait for the batter to rise

My glasses came loose and as we looked for the screw

You came out of your disguise

And then I fell into you

Yep, niche has been found.

It never fails to amaze me how quickly things can change for me in this country. Good to bad, bad to worse, worse to "Screw China, I'm moving home" and last but not least, and my personal favorite, "I can't believe I was considering leaving?! This country rules and I will continue to ride this steady wave of good fortune until my visa wreaks of expiration." Today was perhaps, one of the most promising days I have yet to have in this country. I got a really great tutoring gig, tutoring a 14 year old boy who is taking the TOEFL exam in December. The pay is great and his family is awesome.  I got lucky, this is a genuinely cool kid. His pronunciation is great, but his vocabulary is definitely lacking. But that doesn't even matter. More importantly, we have great chemistry, and I feel that 2 solid months of one on one tutoring is definitely going to expand both his vocabulary and grasp of the English language. And at the end of the day that's really all that matters. I have finally stumbled across a job, and I use th term 'stumbled' loosely, that pays me on time and who respects me as an educator. Finally, 5 months into living in this country, I have found a job that doesn't hassle me when its time to get paid, and who doesn't harass me in terms of lesson planning and student “happiness.”

Living in a place like China, it really is the little day to day things that happen to you that make you take a step back and reevaluate your life here, while simultaneously allowing you to realize that most of these things will not be a part of your life once you leave China. Take, for example, the 17 year old girl who works at the neighborhood coffee joint that I frequent. This evening, and I'm not kidding you, she took the index finger on her right hand and poked it straight into my left breast. Yep. Poked the shit out of my t*t. Why? I dunno. Perhaps the fact that she has never seen a woman over five foot four who has tits? Could be, I suppose. Any other country in the world and I would have perhaps reacted. But she just giggled, completely oblivious to how what she had just done might be regarded as offensive to a Westerner, such as myself. Seeing as Starbucks is a pretty good walk from my house and job, I frequent this particular neighborhood coffee place almost daily. Probably best not to rock the caffeine boat that takes me to work every evening.

“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.”  Maxwell Maltz

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”  Rainer Maria Rilke

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”  Zora Neale Hurston

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”   Oscar Wilde

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”   Oscar Wilde

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.”   Oscar Wilde

Have I finally found my niche?

After leaving the job I had at a little piece of hell on earth I will refer to as 'kid castle,' things are starting to look up in my life in China. Found a great job with a great boss and great coworkers. I am teaching business English to adults and doing some classes with teenagers. Have definitely realized that  I am SO much more suited for teaching adults and older kids than the younger ones. I can't be a clown in a classroom. I don't want to dance around like a singing monkey and amuse kids who speak no English for hours at a time. I am an educator, thus educating those who are willing and capable of learning is the ideal situation for me. Tonight I had my first class. 15 adults all from the same company. Some big wig company that pays for them to attend English class once a week. We had a ball! We laughed, we learned, we talked about cultural differences and touched on business etiquette. After class they all wanted their picture with me, so of course we got a brilliant class pic taken that I will post as soon as they email it to me. So the never ending job search has officially come to an end and I am happy as a clam at the super laid back adult language school that I'm working at now. Never thought I'd actually get to type that sentence in any of these blog entries.

Going to look at a house tomorrow in downtown Hangzhou. This is funny for a couple of reasons. There is this website here for expats called, tellingly, hangzhouexpat.com. Its a site that is used frequently by expats such as myself for looking for apartments, roommates, jobs, etc...So last night I get a phone call from some French dude named Paul. I agree to meet him in the lobby of his hotel as he is new and also looking for room-ate/place to live. Wow, Paul and I were about as opposite as two people could possibly be. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty easygoing gal. This guy was wired so tight that I swear if ya put a chunk of coal up his ass, one week later you would have a diamond. Anyhoo, the funny part is not that I met Paul (banal Paul, as I refer to him) last night. (Seriously, my little toe has more personality.) No, the funny part is that after we met and essentially hated each other, I find out today from a guy I've been talking to for the past week in regards to renting a room in his house, that he has ALSO spoken with banal Paul. And so the story goes...tomorrow, Alex (British guy), banal Paul and myself are meeting at Alex's house (THE potential house), for drinks and dinner. The clincher, and its a good one, is that banal Paul has no idea that I am the 'American girl' who is also looking for a place to live and will be joining them for dinner. The expression on his face when he sees me will be priceless. Alex has already mentioned he will have the camera at hand. Banal Paul made passes at me last night that wouldn't materialize in a million years and I'm pretty sure I bruised his ego. But sh*t, I'm looking for a flatmate, not a hookup. So, Alex sounds cool as hell. His only stipulation for tomorrows shindig is that we each bring a bottle of red wine and that it cannot be Chinese red wine. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, indeed! He is away on business all the time so will essentially never be living there....leaving me and banal Paul, ha! Has 3 bedrooms and he said its like a cozy, nice log cabin. He said, and I quote, that "...its not Chinese-y." If any of you have ever lived in China, you know that this is something to look forward to. I'll leave it at that. Well, wish me luck tomorrow. Fingers crossed and would love to live downtown and right off the tube line. Is it possible that my shit is finally starting to come together in this damn country? Possibly. But then again, this is China. Anything and everything is possible.


ALSO!!!!! Found out that one of my best friends in the world, Evelien Raave, is coming to visit me for one week from the Netherlands for New Years!!!! I met her in Madrid, we had Spanish class together...when we actually went, lol...and i have not seen her since our trip to Paris in 2011!!!! SOOO excited to see her and have a great friend to get into trouble with in China...let's just say that Eve and I are pretty talented when it comes to having fun and getting into shenanigans!

ALSO!!!  I found out my parents are flying me home for a month from January 20-Feb 10, for Chinese Spring Festival!!!! (chinese new years...biggest holiday of the year in china and no one works. I am BESIDE myself with excitement!!!)  94 more days til i get to return to the best country in the world!!!

Chinese National week in Jinyun, part 1 of probably many parts...

*no camera cord for now. but a ton of amazing pics to come!

Well, now that I am finally in Jinyun I wish I wouldn't have been so apprehensive about coming. What a wonderful time I am having! Seriously, I needed this trip more than I even knew I did. So far I have only gotten agitated (err, pissed off) twice. Both times in the morning. Morning one: I am awoken at 6:52 am by the hideously loud sound of robotic like voices that are projecting from a loudspeaker, from a truck that is parked right outside my window. Make that 8 trucks, actually. I guess it was some advertisement. This is how they roll in China. 6:52 am? No problem. Parked in a heavily residential neighborhood on a national holiday? No problem. Pretty sure that 'f*ck' was the first word to escape my mouth yesterday. But seriously, once you wake up and come to and realize what it is that you're getting pissed off about, its pretty hard not to laugh at the whole situation. Which is exactly what I did. This morning was a similar situation, but much, much, louder. 6:56 am, I am in a blissful slumber when all of a sudden I hear what sound like a million gunshots going off at once. My ass must have jumped 2 feet out of the bed before my feet hit the floor, and I seriously debated 'hitting the deck.' Wait, I'm not in America, China doesn't have drive-bys, do they? So this morning marked day 2 of me waking up in a slightly pissy mood. It wasn't just a few fireworks that I heard, it was more like 50-60 of them. It lasted a while. And they were loud. Very loud. And it didn't just stop at the 50 or so deafening fireworks right outside my window. No, there was some kind of grand effing firework finale after the initial one. Good times. My initial reaction this morning to the 7 am party taking place below my window was, "Ok, cool. Its Chinese National week and I'll give them a break." However, when the mom of the family that I'm staying with informed me that it had nothing to do with the holiday and was solely for 'celebrating' a new advertisement for a car, I started seeing red (sorry China, no pun). Looking forward, kind of, to seeing what kind of random surprise the morning greets me with tomorrow. If it trumps this morning there will be no pissy moods, only abundant laughter, I'm sure of it.

'The Culprits'...probably t minus 1 hour before I passed out. However, this round table was probably some of the most fun I have had since I've been in China!

Yesterday, for Chinese National day, the family I'm with took me to a lunch/dinner (they pretty much eat all day) at some friends of theirs. They also proceeded to get me obliterated drunk, much to their amusement, off of Chinese whiskey...Chinese moonshine. Literally. They make it themselves, fermented with fruit, its strong and its absolutely delicious. Lets just say I was passed out napping on a bed next to some random girl by 4pm. I had a blast! I was essentially giving one giant English lesson, while attempting to take notes in my 'chinese language journal,' as they taught me different phrases in Mandarin. I probably said 'cheers!' and 'gan bei!' at least 50 times during the course of the early afternoon party we had.  As I have said before, laughter and effortless smiles mitigated any language barriers that might have existed. And once again, I felt alive! So grateful to be in China and experiencing everything that I am. The mother of the family I'm with, Jane, said I am a very strong drinker and she was so glad I could try to keep up with the men. Not sure if I should take that as a compliment, but I know that's how she meant it. I minded my manners and apparently knew just when to stop drinking. The stuff is wicked dangerous. You feel and taste nothing, and then all of a sudden you wake up in a bed with a random Chinese girl. Classic. Today was an even better day though! I fell in love...with this town. I have dubbed it the 'Colorado of China' and I am seriously thinking about relocating. Its gorgeous here. Nature at its finest. The air, the mountains, the river, the laid back way of living. This gypsy might be spinnin' her traveling wheels once more. The beauty of this life I'm living. When the wind does blow, I am free to go with it.

Holy shit, Alfred is back, and in full effect. This will make for a grand day of blogging tomorrow. Sh*t.

Above, a picture of the minstrel truck advertisement crew that camped out outside my bedroom window on morning #1.

Getting by on words...and without editing

“I have learned, as a rule of thumb, never to ask whether you can do something. Say, instead, that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow.”   Julia Cameron
 
“Life is a spiritual dance and that our unseen partner has steps to teach us if we will allow ourselves to be led. The next time you are restless, remind yourself it is the universe asking 'Shall we dance?”   Julia Cameron

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."

“Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience.”   Henry David Thoreau

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”   Helen Keller

“The traveler was active; he went strenuously in search of people, of adventure, of experience. The tourist is passive; he expects interesting things to happen to him. He goes "sight-seeing."   Daniel J. Boorstin

“A traveler has a right to relate and embellish his adventures as he pleases, and it is very impolite to refuse that deference and applause they deserve”

“Adventure is hardship aesthetically considered.”   Barry Targan

“I have more memories than if I were a thousand years old.”   Charles Baudelaire 

“In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.”
 Hans Nouwens 

"Being a foreigner in any country can be challenging I'm sure. One comment I've made almost since the first few days of my arrival has been: "Everything is so HARD in China!" And really, 10 years later, not much has changed . . . in my opinion." 

“The more you reason the less you create”    Raymond Chandler 

“Those who know nothing of foreign languages know nothing of their own."   Johann Wolfgang 

“A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”   George Moore


:taken from handwritten journal, july/august, *edit/order

7/28
day 1 hangzhou: Although I have been in China for 2 months, I am alone for the first time in China, and its both the scariest and most liberating feeling I've felt in my life. Left John and his son Niall, in Shanghai today. Didn't even get to say goodbye because we got separated at the train station. My ipod is gone too.  Was only video I had of Chester. I feel like shit now and the idea of giving up and coming home doesn't sound so bad. I need some strength.
   (jotting on a train) it was like out of a movie. the characters all sewn in place.

reform 
resolve
revolve
devolve 
revolt
repeat
relive
regain
remorse
retain
reestablish
reinforce
reinvent
refrain
regain
relief 

7/28 Hangzhou, day 1
all the promises of a fruitful kindergarten. recruiter told me about job. wild and unwise i jumped at the opportunity and before long, i found myself with a one way first class ticket to Hangzhou. at station in Hangzhou, after realizing i have lost my bank card and now officially BROKE, i phone my head teacher at kindergarten, actually thinking that i am going to get a slice of sympathy from her. i was wrong. the kind woman texts to me, and i quote, "you can just stay the night at the Mcdonald's by the school." I shit you not, the woman actually had the audacity to text that to me. 


7/29, hangzhou, day 2
more and more im starting to feel like liz gilbert in my own fucked up version of eat,pray, love. sitting in restaurant now, alone, and attempting to eat earthworm sized noodles w/ giant plastic chopsticks. i can't seem to get a bit in my mouth and the entire staff is laughing at me. one old chef lady actually just turned to me to show me how to 'snap' them together, so as to actually get the food i'm trying to eat into my mouth. i lost my bank card in shanghai last week. the icing on the metaphorical shit cake? possibly. now i will return to my cool air conditioned hotel room and commence to english movies. heaven. 106 degrees f here right now. no one walks around during the day. at night the city lights up with street vendors, tourists, musicians...i definitely like hangzhou more than jiaojiang. kind of an earthy/artsy feel to it. 
   how much of my day to day life do i keep from my family, in order to protect their feelings while simultaneously not appearing to want their pity? its hard. tell them everything and have them worry? or put on a brave face and deal with my shit internally? the latter. 
   dinner. 'suzanne party of one' once again, but i dont care. drunk man without a shirt on, possibly homeless, standing in front of me at the street table i'm sitting at. trying to spin a wooden stick and then catch it. he hasn't caught it yet, but if his sole purpose is to entertain me then he is doing great. was thinking earlier about how much more welcome and alive i feel in china than i did in europe. so much further from home and so much happier inside. its weird. maybe its growth.

7/30, day 3,4 or 5 here in hangzhou?
finally met with the kindergarten and i loved it! lets just hope this lasts. permanency seems to be hard to find here. eating at a xinjiang food place right now. i heard these people are the 'rebels' and the 'criminals' of china. the province looked down upon by other chinese and known for its high crime rate. i beg to differ. i find these people to be kind, beautiful, curious, nurturing and wanting. 

**Starting in 2014 at least 120,000 members of Kashgar's Muslim Uyghur minority have been detained in Xinjiang's re-education camps, aimed at changing the political thinking of detainees, their identities and their religious beliefs via indoctrination and torture, according to Western media. China has denied the existence of detention centers and referred to the facilities as "vocational education centers." The Germany-based World Uyghur Congress submitted report to the United Nations estimated that at least 1 million Uyghurs were being held in the re-education camps as of July 2018.

later that day...

--- i get to the school Tuesday morning. this is after attempting to get there Monday morning but throwing up in the middle of the street after trying to hail a damn taxi for half an hour. i literally puked, all over the place in the middle of the street, from heat exhaustion. (inside scoop...the Chinese are perhaps the most racist race i have EVER encountered in my 33 years of life. i don't say that out of any kind of resentment either; not ALL fit this label, just most.) its totally normal to be waiting for a taxi and for a taxi driver to pass me up as if I'm invisible and move on to pick up the next Chinese that is also waiting patiently for a cab. so i get to the kindergarten, i get the tour, i get what i believe to be all the necessary details. in my best american form, i save asking salary details for last. because like we say in the states, you never want to appear too money hungry, you always want to appear as if the
job itself is of more value to you than the pay. turns out that the witch, caroline (mcdonalds suggestion beeatch) also believes in this theory. she tells me that we will discuss pay last. ok, i think to myself, whatever she wants. we get to pay and i am satisfied. i am also satisfied with the other foreign teachers. another texan, a mexican girl and her husband, a french, an italian and tami, my now great friend from zimbabwe. i meet tami on day two at the kindergarten, where she proceeds to tell me that my start date would not be until september 1st. what?! really?! im broke and staying in a youth hostel...I NEED MONEY! ..and i dont need to wait until october 1st to get it.
--today i went to church with tami and paloma, the mexican girl. god (no pun intended), it felt good to be in a room filled with other westerners (the police come through, unannounced, almost weekly in order to check passports and make sure that no Chinese nationals are in a 'Christian' church. If they are, they are sent to jail). I actually broke down in tears at least 4 times during the 2 hour service. i dont know what it was...the loneliness, helplessness, struggle, despair, love, longing..who knows. but whatever it was, it was heavy and it was real. 

7/31, west lake youth house, hangzhou (as will be here until 8/13)

where in the heck do i even begin? I have not written in my blog for almost 2
2 weeks. and while sooo very much has happened, i really haven't the faintest clue as to where I should begin speaking about it all.at youth hostel in hangzhou. feeling pretty broke (sans american bank card), stranded and emotionally vulnerable. i dont think lve ever been up shit's creek this much without a paddle. talk about being resourceful. jesus, i feel like i now know how beggars feel. no music (i pod stolen, computer screen broken), no money, no friends. its a feeling that that hopefully i will look back on, 1 year from now, with the deepest amount of gratitude i am capable of feeling.   i am at a hostel in hangzhou, zhejiang province, china. I have been homeless for about a week (chinese hostel personel have become extended family at this point). because I have lost my American bank (ATM) card, I am sleeping on the couch at the hostel, free of charge.  i am safe, i am not hungry, i have friends, i am poor, but i am happy. (happiness and positivity;  must consciously excercise both, and it's ridiculously hard.) And as i have found through experience, at the end of the day, being happy (or alive) is truly the only thing that matters to me. i hate to complain, and i will really try not to, but for sake of storytelling, its only fair that i voice some of the many hiccups i continuously encounter on a day to day basis here. the phrase "if it ain't one thing its another," at this point, in month 2 of my excursion, i feel that i could have been the individual to coin the phrase. 

maybe i needed this year in china to make me realize how lucky i have it back in the states. i could just kill myself when i think of all the times back home when i thought i was unhappy. in reality i didn't know how lucky i was or how easy i really had it. 1st world problems seem so funny (and completely asinine) to me now. and the people who air them seem so unbelievably small minded and self involved. People have no idea how difficult living outside of one's country can be. adding China to the situation only exacerbates it more.  I crack up now, when I think of the things I've heard, from people who've lived in places like Japan, Korea, Thailand or Vietnam (basically any asian country aside from China). How clueless they are, and probably for the best. China is definitely no place for the weak, or perhaps even the strong. Continuously having to remind myself, "suzanne, this is all happening to you for a reason. just go with it; things will get better." I've been in china, for almost 2 months, and I still have not lost hope that they will. i roll with the punches.



“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change."   Charles Darwin 

“I see my path, but I don't know where it leads. Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me to travel it.”   Rosalia de Castro

“People travel for the same reason they collect works of art: because the best people do it”  Aldous Huxley

“Society speaks and all men listen, mountains speak and wise men listen”   John Muir

“Always do what you are afraid to do.”   Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”
“Memories may escape the action of the will, may sleep a long time, but when stirred by the right influence, though that influence be light as a shadow, they flash into full stature and life with everything in place”   John Muir 

“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.”   Douglas Adams 

“I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit."   John Steinbeck 

last week in august, 2013

~So our plane I guess was probable, that its conclusion would end up grounded
And through its windows it was clear
Of the indifference through which it sounded
The girls all kept their smiles
But in their faces a facade
That stood out and stared
And it made me wonder
From what dynamics this was born
Every time I prepare to board, it's always on my mind
how the disenchantment of fortuity potentially paves the road ahead
Always selective hearing, but not always done through choice
I muse my own reality
And then I disregard its voice

9/23
“The central drama of our age is how the Western nations and the Asian peoples are to find a tolerable basis of co-existence”   Walter Lippmann

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”   Oscar Wilde

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”   Dr. Seuss

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”                        Henry David Thoreau 

frances farmer---energy work today. how do you put up a shield to defend yourself from someone who sucks the life right out of you. lily, is perhaps one of the saddest souls i have ever encountered in my life. she wears her sadness on her face, in her body, through he way she talks, etc..she emulates unhappiness and it kills me to be around her. i learned last week that the highest number of suicides in the world happen within the demographic of chinese women. this didn't come as too much as a surprise to me . however, now i see what the meat of the article was referring to, and i realize that i see it around me all of the time. its awkward. makes it harder for me to keep my energy in the right place when im sharing such small confines with such negative people. i've always been optimistic, maybe even too optimistic. in any situation i will look at what good can come from it, while simultaneously disregarding anything negative that its consequences might bring.  putting a personality like mine in a room for 3 hours with someone whose energy is so horrid that it actually affects my own, takes a toll after, i dunno, 10 minutes or so. read some judith orloff tonight to see what she had to say about 'energy shields.' i sound like a total hippie, but whatever, people do what works for them. judith orloff, works for me. i'd give a freaking toe at the chance to sit down with judith orloff, julia cameron and patti smith for a 3 hour dinner. what in the world would they tell me in terms of advice?

“We need to bridge our sense of loneliness and disconnection with a sense of community and continuity even if we must manufacture it from our time on the Web and our use of calling cards to connect long distance. We must “log on” somewhere, and if it is only in cyberspace, that is still far better than nowhere at all. (264)”    Julia Cameron

“Live every moment in the present. Do it. Risk it. Buy it if you love it. Loving well takes practice, delicious practice. If it feels good, it must be good.”   Gael Greene

“People say beware, but I don't care. Their words are just rules and regulations to me.”         Patti Smith

“A writer or any artist can’t expect to be embraced by the people. I've done records where it seemed like no one listened to them. You write poetry books that maybe 50 people read. And you just keep doing your work because you have to, because it’s your calling.

But it’s beautiful to be embraced by the people.

Some people have said to me, “Well, don’t you think that kind of success spoils one as an artist? If you’re a punk rocker, you don’t want to have a hit record…”

And I say to them, “Fuck you!” 

One does their work for the people. And the more people you can touch, the more wonderful it is. You don’t do your work and say, “I only want the cool people to read it.” You want everyone to be transported, or hopefully inspired by it.

When I was really young, William Burroughs told me, “Build a good name. Keep your name clean. Don’t make compromises. Don’t worry about making a bunch of money or being successful. Be concerned with doing good work. And make the right choices and protect your work. And if you can build a good name, eventually that name will be its own currency.”    Patti Smith

9/24
misplaced about 2 weeks worth of journaling. so there's 2 weeks lost unless i happen to come across them. i won't try to fill in the gaps based on my memory...for more reasons than one. possibly, work is getting better. my boss actually acknowledged my lesson plan tonight and said that when she spoke to my students after class, all of them had really enjoyed it. this is promising. I'm learning, slowly, how to entertain, teach and function as a kindergarten teacher. and damn, is it hard. 1 week holiday coming up in about 5 days. looking forward to spending time with my friends here that i never really see anymore. as foreign teachers, everyone has different day(s) of the week off. looking forward to spending time with people i actually want to be spending time with, will be nice. Robert (from Iran) and his wife, will be staying at their apartment which is by mine. i also plan on spending time with Kate and Anna, my 2 new Serbian friends. super cool chicks. co workers were actually pleasant tonight. i dunno. sometimes i feel that they are all just genuinely burnt out on work. god knows they work twice as much as i do. but at the same time, they aren't dealing with the stress and hardships that come with living in a foreign land. matter of fact, all of them will be traveling to their home towns next week for our break.  none of them have ever left china, and most of them have never traveled outside of their home province in china. I can't imagine that. not ever wandering around, exploring, intentionally putting yourself in situations that will make you uncomfortable. The exact situations that make me feel alive.

****AND MORE IMPORTANTLY.....I would like to give a big shout out to the '2 AWESOME Australian dudes that I befriended in Hangzhou at the West Lake Youth House. Together, we drank our body weight in beer, ate spiders on old street and brought some well needed debauchery to the hostel. Joe Peterson and Dane Overton. It was GREAT to meet you two!!!