"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

12/19/13...3 hours post release

I am alive. After receiving many emails asking me if I was, I thought I should clear the air on the subject...yes, I'm alive! And while the writer in me wants nothing more than to thoroughly divulge every last detail of what I have been up to here of late, the more pragmatic side of me knows better. And to be honest, pragmatism is not something I like to incorporate in my writing, ever. That being said, suffice it to say that for the first time since I have started this blog, I am genuinely at a loss for words as for what to tell you readers. Just know that I am safe, I am brave, I am enlightened, and I will continue to write about the happenings in this crazy country I call home, China. However, I will say this...not being able to write for the past month, has perhaps been more beneficial to my creativity than it has been stifling. In the process of trying to consolidate the stories to be told. And there are many stories to be told. I chuckle when I go back and read my very first entry in this blog. The last sentence in my very first blog ends with, "...Its only just begun." Foreshadowing has never been so bold.

12/19/13; Hangzhou, Zhejiang, China

I understand little of anything that I hear

I understand a smile

And I know the meaning of power

Loneliness fades as the days fade as well

And the doing of my own actions are what have put me in this hell

A face that I think of, I think thinks of me too

A beautiful stranger of whom I shouldn't even know

Is possibly an angel

 Sent to watch over me and to see that I grow

 Miles apart between us the atmosphere does lurk

I am not a part of it

Foreign faces, foreign words, foreign films

This is my reality now

Bravery takes center stage

But fear always lingers in the back

My own bravado is shocking to me

Seeing how very much of it I lack

Regret is an emotion that I don't believe in at all

Its consequences open the doors to experience

And its only through experience that we learn

I must grow from what I have done, and learn to lock the box

To keep safe the secrets 

 From the other one's thoughts

lost poetry

I get sick of their banter
Their meaningless exchanges of words
Tossed back and forth the way words should never be tossed
Frivolously, avant-garde
Phony normality meant to calm the nerves of minds like mine?
With cynicism and objectivity I measure it out
Weigh the situation that is so nicely sprinkled with empty compliments
And buttered with simplicity
You are who you're with
Oxymoronic, smile and nod, keep slipping through the cracks
And struggle with the anticipation that always follows struggle
The absence of a void that allows you to blend back in
Just in the nick of time
And
As day fades to night, my cynicism fades
I can rest
My mind is clear
And everything that got in my way no longer matters
I revel in this peace 
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please don't assume you know me
Because the way I am fools everyone now
I don't think you could put me back together
If I shattered at your feet
But I listen closely
And the heat it swelters
Because I don't want to love anyone now
So I try and keep pace with the rhythm that I'm thrown
And I desperately try to convince myself, that I can't stand to be alone
But it's interrupted by the way I talk
And the way you drift
And what that does for you
Nothing for me 
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Insignia

I can feel the pull of gravity and it spins me to no end
The moon is full and so they say
That tonight we'll all go mad
I carefully commence my plan of escape
Retreating from their chaos
A moon so full it spoke
Ancient whispers of forces that pull people to madness
And calamity to sadness
Bitter sweet moon do you make the calls
The ones of justice when no one knows the truth
Like the erroneous origin of time
Obsolescent, but we follow its prophecy of truth
I don't buy time, and I don't even care
I never wear a watch, and by a full moon I will swear
That people drift through phases
Lost in thought, yet so engaged
Not seeing when it's okay to not realize
The complete significance of life 

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insignificance

Let's all play together
Mind games
Let's all pretend to care
As we acknowledge inferior authority
With glazed over, empty stares
The bravado of one is noninfectious unto me
It makes me bored so I disengage
And allow myself to be free
I leave this place and let my mind take the wheel
My body continues its cycle of complacency
And my thoughts fly furiously through the air
I look down at them and laugh
Because I can't make myself care
I will not be owned
By one who is ignorant
A peasant uninformed to life
And the knowledge that it holds
You have to keep your mind in motion
And from regressing you will learn
That a happy place you thought you'd lost
Will soon be yours to own

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You sit and wait
Longing for that call while allowing your mind to spin in circles
But it won't always come
So you push
You wait some more
Until the idea of praying doesn't sound like such a bad idea
I wanted to cry 

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revival

Darkness falls
My memories lurk
Over me like the gravy I do not eat
With the mashed potatoes that I loathe
Close knit circles of people who share
Like the bees that crave the same sugar that they do
Comfort and peace
Two words lost along the way
My silhouette is fading like sunsets on cold snowy days
I have arrived
Alone at my place
No more doubts
No more doubts 

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                                  Compliantly floating

                                   Not through the air

                            But through all of these days

When your mind reels in on something it shouldn't be thinking of
And yet your heart just doesn't care
In the darkness of secrets, outside, that's where we always met
Cold slabs of pavement, muffled voices, tears and smoke…the smoke and mirrors
That eventually led me back to you
Thousands of miles of ocean to deter, but your name always on the tip of my tongue
To be so free, yet to be a prisoner all the sameAlways defeated, but still winning the game
I take their jabs and their cold foreign stares
And retreat inside my memory
A place that's free of cares

=========================================================

Take back the time
 Take back the faces
Keep a couple of memories, but fill in the missing spaces
Read it, learn it, live it
You're a product of it now
The million empty stares that glide across the concrete
How they frightened you at first, but how you grew so in their graces
What rolls off of their tongue when they speak
Now rolls right off of yours 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Most memories fade
But it seems that mine drift
Bewildered by their antiquity, left hanging on their rift
Rainy day music echoes in the back
Of a room that is darkened by perpetual black
Overwhelmed by emotion, and with not one shadow of a doubt
I envision the city, and all of its filth
Just so I'm able to find my way out
Drenched with the water that the sky no longer wants
Blanketing the waste and embracing the hurt
I flip to the next page to find bluer skies
And with great abandon
Close my ears to their cries

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So our plane I guess was probable, that its conclusion would end up grounded
And through its windows it was clear
Of the indifference through which it sounded
The girls all kept their smiles
But in their faces a facade
That stood out and stared
And it made me wonder
From what dynamics this was born
Every time I prepare to board, it's always on my mind
How the disenchantment of fortuity potentially paves the road ahead
Always selective hearing, but not always done through choice
I muse my own reality
And then I disregard its voice
------------------------------------------------
At night
Everything falls into place, i feel alive
Like lyrics to one of my favorite songs, save for a shift of subject
Maybe not
Maybe i am silently screaming, but screaming for what
Happiness, struggle, aggression...maybe all of them
Will i find out why i put myself through this, before my time here is up
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I understand little of anything that I hear
I understand a smile
And I know the meaning of power
Loneliness fades as the days fade as well
And the doing of my own actions are what have put me in this hell
A face that I think of, I think thinks of me too
A beautiful stranger of whom I shouldn't even know
Is possibly an angel
 Sent to watch over me and to see that I grow
 Miles apart between us the atmosphere does lurk
I am not a part of it
Foreign faces, foreign words, foreign films
This is my reality now
Bravery takes center stage
But fear always lingers in the back
My own bravado is shocking to me
Seeing how very much of it I lack
Regret is an emotion that I don't believe in at all
Its consequences open the doors to experience
And its only through experience that we learn
I must grow from what I have done, and I must learn to lock the box
To keep safe the secrets 
From the other ones thoughts
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I listened to that song over and over, hearing all the words that I now know by heart

Frantically writing in invisible ink

The thoughts to decide if I would swim or sink

Words about flying and being free, words that I clung to

But could never really see

The cage is never big enough once you find yourself inside

And the air is never breathable when you share with half the night

One ear to the ground and cover your ass, don’t talk to strangers, stay off the grass

Redundancy always beats its wings to a pulp

And while imagination might starve you to death, the beat will always goes on

Take advantage of your situation or it will take advantage of you

And learn to blend in, not just to endure

A well of creativity, one could never have fathomed dry

Has been tapped of all its greatness

And has now been left to die

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lightning stung my eyes so

But just in time for me to open and see

A plane of beauty, so effervescent it was

That I could not look out and see your face

But it was in my mind, tattooed and bare

And the beauty of it offset my time

But then I lost you too, the summer wind

And although I sometimes find

That I am still alive

When the night does all but end

If I could just come in for a moment
I swear I’ll take nothing but a memory

Because its only out here that I am truly aware

That I am undeniably someone else

I hear all of their music

And God it sounds sweet

But I cannot ever tell which ones will tell the great story

And which ones like sand

Will wash away 
To never be heard from again

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I wondered if I’d see the picture

The one where she is dressed in only white

And happiness all seems but brimming

From echoes in the starry sky

When day finally greets me

That then I’m forced to look and see

The two haunted faces before me

That remind me I am free

From the strain and confusion of a time when I

Once though that I was blessed

But rose above the weights

No longer pulling me down

To look at the larger picture and

Seemingly smile to know

That no one was even around when it happened

And when I smile again

It is just because then

I realize I am able

To let it all go
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expressionless faces have never had so much meaning

I wonder what they think when they stare at me

I wonder if I'd even want to know

The moon accompanies me when I need guidance

And I need guidance more than I care to admit

How safe and beautiful and consolatory it is to gaze upon it

And watch it glare back at me

All the while knowing that only 1 moon exists

The same one looked upon by every human being that I know

On Green Dolphin Street, is where I'm wondering now

And as I roam

A fellow friend, an artist, reaches to me through music

And although I can't reach out to many

I find this is the only proximity to happiness that is within my reach

When I chose to survive

I needed no one to help me or tell me why

And its in that fleeting moment of clarity, when suddenly you realize you're aware

That the saddest moments can become your closest friends 

And the loneliness you live with is only there to hold your hand

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked around for so long and never knew I was lost

Until I met you

I never knew what unhappiness was

Or how much longing could hurt

Until I left you

And the pain was too much

When I was lonely and doubt shook my hand

Your kindness came to greet me and give fortitude again

When we were together I never knew such joy

And when oceans crept between us I felt emptiness galore

You impressed upon me, a stamp that was all your own

Filtering out all of the doubts and struggles that my heart has ever known

Looking like scattered ants

The people from where I sailed

No engine to elevate, no wings there to soar

No captain or copilot to see me ashore

Only a gentle light, burning far off and to the west

Resonating comfort while whispering release

I held on so tight and ascended towards that light

Smiling with resolution as I saw you below

Because I knew in that moment 

It was ok to let go

———————————

I wondered why nobody else

Openly communicated through spoken word or silence

About the shear beauty of having one's time to one's self

Solitude

And perhaps company, when paired with your audacious mind

It was as if no one aside from myself

Noted the joy of being alone

In one's head

Resting on the breaches of solitary confinement

Even though sometimes it carries me to places

Where I see what might have been

Then trying to play it cool

Is impossible for me to do

But still your sometimes light

I can see it flashing bright

Somewhere far off in the distance

And then I knew why silence was golden

As I helped solitude to quiet her voice

It was then that I thought about you

And decided it true

That I would never feel lonely again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun clipped the wing of the plane

But it didn’t clip mine

Mine were still engulfed in the shadows

The others eyes still closed-not yet ready for dawn 

Some brave ones were ready to see

That rising ball of fire, so desperately wanting to greet me

I counted back the hours

From 6 to 5 and finally to 1

Your day had ended, and mine had just begun

A solo trip for two and from departure I knew

That I couldn’t waste the time 

Because it had only just begun

***********************************

Queen dawn reigned

From the sofa's corner

Legs propped up, half smiling at him as the music played

And I talked typed faces

As he drank bourbon

And sipped some beer

The republicans weren't afraid

So you gave me your recipe

...stir the eggs gently

And wait for the batter to rise

My glasses came loose and as we looked for the screw

You came out of your disguise

And then I fell into you

Yep, niche has been found.

It never fails to amaze me how quickly things can change for me in this country. Good to bad, bad to worse, worse to "Screw China, I'm moving home" and last but not least, and my personal favorite, "I can't believe I was considering leaving?! This country rules and I will continue to ride this steady wave of good fortune until my visa wreaks of expiration." Today was perhaps, one of the most promising days I have yet to have in this country. I got a really great tutoring gig, tutoring a 14 year old boy who is taking the TOEFL exam in December. The pay is great and his family is awesome.  I got lucky, this is a genuinely cool kid. His pronunciation is great, but his vocabulary is definitely lacking. But that doesn't even matter. More importantly, we have great chemistry, and I feel that 2 solid months of one on one tutoring is definitely going to expand both his vocabulary and grasp of the English language. And at the end of the day that's really all that matters. I have finally stumbled across a job, and I use th term 'stumbled' loosely, that pays me on time and who respects me as an educator. Finally, 5 months into living in this country, I have found a job that doesn't hassle me when its time to get paid, and who doesn't harass me in terms of lesson planning and student “happiness.”

Living in a place like China, it really is the little day to day things that happen to you that make you take a step back and reevaluate your life here, while simultaneously allowing you to realize that most of these things will not be a part of your life once you leave China. Take, for example, the 17 year old girl who works at the neighborhood coffee joint that I frequent. This evening, and I'm not kidding you, she took the index finger on her right hand and poked it straight into my left breast. Yep. Poked the shit out of my t*t. Why? I dunno. Perhaps the fact that she has never seen a woman over five foot four who has tits? Could be, I suppose. Any other country in the world and I would have perhaps reacted. But she just giggled, completely oblivious to how what she had just done might be regarded as offensive to a Westerner, such as myself. Seeing as Starbucks is a pretty good walk from my house and job, I frequent this particular neighborhood coffee place almost daily. Probably best not to rock the caffeine boat that takes me to work every evening.

“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.”  Maxwell Maltz

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”  Rainer Maria Rilke

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”  Zora Neale Hurston

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”   Oscar Wilde

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”   Oscar Wilde

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.”   Oscar Wilde

Have I finally found my niche?

After leaving the job I had at a little piece of hell on earth I will refer to as 'kid castle,' things are starting to look up in my life in China. Found a great job with a great boss and great coworkers. I am teaching business English to adults and doing some classes with teenagers. Have definitely realized that  I am SO much more suited for teaching adults and older kids than the younger ones. I can't be a clown in a classroom. I don't want to dance around like a singing monkey and amuse kids who speak no English for hours at a time. I am an educator, thus educating those who are willing and capable of learning is the ideal situation for me. Tonight I had my first class. 15 adults all from the same company. Some big wig company that pays for them to attend English class once a week. We had a ball! We laughed, we learned, we talked about cultural differences and touched on business etiquette. After class they all wanted their picture with me, so of course we got a brilliant class pic taken that I will post as soon as they email it to me. So the never ending job search has officially come to an end and I am happy as a clam at the super laid back adult language school that I'm working at now. Never thought I'd actually get to type that sentence in any of these blog entries.

Going to look at a house tomorrow in downtown Hangzhou. This is funny for a couple of reasons. There is this website here for expats called, tellingly, hangzhouexpat.com. Its a site that is used frequently by expats such as myself for looking for apartments, roommates, jobs, etc...So last night I get a phone call from some French dude named Paul. I agree to meet him in the lobby of his hotel as he is new and also looking for room-ate/place to live. Wow, Paul and I were about as opposite as two people could possibly be. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty easygoing gal. This guy was wired so tight that I swear if ya put a chunk of coal up his ass, one week later you would have a diamond. Anyhoo, the funny part is not that I met Paul (banal Paul, as I refer to him) last night. (Seriously, my little toe has more personality.) No, the funny part is that after we met and essentially hated each other, I find out today from a guy I've been talking to for the past week in regards to renting a room in his house, that he has ALSO spoken with banal Paul. And so the story goes...tomorrow, Alex (British guy), banal Paul and myself are meeting at Alex's house (THE potential house), for drinks and dinner. The clincher, and its a good one, is that banal Paul has no idea that I am the 'American girl' who is also looking for a place to live and will be joining them for dinner. The expression on his face when he sees me will be priceless. Alex has already mentioned he will have the camera at hand. Banal Paul made passes at me last night that wouldn't materialize in a million years and I'm pretty sure I bruised his ego. But sh*t, I'm looking for a flatmate, not a hookup. So, Alex sounds cool as hell. His only stipulation for tomorrows shindig is that we each bring a bottle of red wine and that it cannot be Chinese red wine. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, indeed! He is away on business all the time so will essentially never be living there....leaving me and banal Paul, ha! Has 3 bedrooms and he said its like a cozy, nice log cabin. He said, and I quote, that "...its not Chinese-y." If any of you have ever lived in China, you know that this is something to look forward to. I'll leave it at that. Well, wish me luck tomorrow. Fingers crossed and would love to live downtown and right off the tube line. Is it possible that my shit is finally starting to come together in this damn country? Possibly. But then again, this is China. Anything and everything is possible.


ALSO!!!!! Found out that one of my best friends in the world, Evelien Raave, is coming to visit me for one week from the Netherlands for New Years!!!! I met her in Madrid, we had Spanish class together...when we actually went, lol...and i have not seen her since our trip to Paris in 2011!!!! SOOO excited to see her and have a great friend to get into trouble with in China...let's just say that Eve and I are pretty talented when it comes to having fun and getting into shenanigans!

ALSO!!!  I found out my parents are flying me home for a month from January 20-Feb 10, for Chinese Spring Festival!!!! (chinese new years...biggest holiday of the year in china and no one works. I am BESIDE myself with excitement!!!)  94 more days til i get to return to the best country in the world!!!

Chinese National week in Jinyun, part 1 of probably many parts...

*no camera cord for now. but a ton of amazing pics to come!

Well, now that I am finally in Jinyun I wish I wouldn't have been so apprehensive about coming. What a wonderful time I am having! Seriously, I needed this trip more than I even knew I did. So far I have only gotten agitated (err, pissed off) twice. Both times in the morning. Morning one: I am awoken at 6:52 am by the hideously loud sound of robotic like voices that are projecting from a loudspeaker, from a truck that is parked right outside my window. Make that 8 trucks, actually. I guess it was some advertisement. This is how they roll in China. 6:52 am? No problem. Parked in a heavily residential neighborhood on a national holiday? No problem. Pretty sure that 'f*ck' was the first word to escape my mouth yesterday. But seriously, once you wake up and come to and realize what it is that you're getting pissed off about, its pretty hard not to laugh at the whole situation. Which is exactly what I did. This morning was a similar situation, but much, much, louder. 6:56 am, I am in a blissful slumber when all of a sudden I hear what sound like a million gunshots going off at once. My ass must have jumped 2 feet out of the bed before my feet hit the floor, and I seriously debated 'hitting the deck.' Wait, I'm not in America, China doesn't have drive-bys, do they? So this morning marked day 2 of me waking up in a slightly pissy mood. It wasn't just a few fireworks that I heard, it was more like 50-60 of them. It lasted a while. And they were loud. Very loud. And it didn't just stop at the 50 or so deafening fireworks right outside my window. No, there was some kind of grand effing firework finale after the initial one. Good times. My initial reaction this morning to the 7 am party taking place below my window was, "Ok, cool. Its Chinese National week and I'll give them a break." However, when the mom of the family that I'm staying with informed me that it had nothing to do with the holiday and was solely for 'celebrating' a new advertisement for a car, I started seeing red (sorry China, no pun). Looking forward, kind of, to seeing what kind of random surprise the morning greets me with tomorrow. If it trumps this morning there will be no pissy moods, only abundant laughter, I'm sure of it.

'The Culprits'...probably t minus 1 hour before I passed out. However, this round table was probably some of the most fun I have had since I've been in China!

Yesterday, for Chinese National day, the family I'm with took me to a lunch/dinner (they pretty much eat all day) at some friends of theirs. They also proceeded to get me obliterated drunk, much to their amusement, off of Chinese whiskey...Chinese moonshine. Literally. They make it themselves, fermented with fruit, its strong and its absolutely delicious. Lets just say I was passed out napping on a bed next to some random girl by 4pm. I had a blast! I was essentially giving one giant English lesson, while attempting to take notes in my 'chinese language journal,' as they taught me different phrases in Mandarin. I probably said 'cheers!' and 'gan bei!' at least 50 times during the course of the early afternoon party we had.  As I have said before, laughter and effortless smiles mitigated any language barriers that might have existed. And once again, I felt alive! So grateful to be in China and experiencing everything that I am. The mother of the family I'm with, Jane, said I am a very strong drinker and she was so glad I could try to keep up with the men. Not sure if I should take that as a compliment, but I know that's how she meant it. I minded my manners and apparently knew just when to stop drinking. The stuff is wicked dangerous. You feel and taste nothing, and then all of a sudden you wake up in a bed with a random Chinese girl. Classic. Today was an even better day though! I fell in love...with this town. I have dubbed it the 'Colorado of China' and I am seriously thinking about relocating. Its gorgeous here. Nature at its finest. The air, the mountains, the river, the laid back way of living. This gypsy might be spinnin' her traveling wheels once more. The beauty of this life I'm living. When the wind does blow, I am free to go with it.

Holy shit, Alfred is back, and in full effect. This will make for a grand day of blogging tomorrow. Sh*t.

Above, a picture of the minstrel truck advertisement crew that camped out outside my bedroom window on morning #1.