“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” HenryDavid Thoreau

Yesterday morning sucked, big time. 10 minutes into my morning cab ride to work and the driver was suddenly overcome with hatred...towards me. It probably sounds comical but at the time it was anything but. "What did you to do make him so pissed at you," I was asked by a few people. Really?! Que horror, I can't even speak his effing language! The only exchange of words between us (the only words I was capable of exchanging), were the address of my destination and that I was an American teacher. I pointed at my wrist, as to make a time gesture, pointed to the clock on the dashboard and essentially made some sort of movement indicating that I wanted him to drive faster. He was driving extremely slow. And in China, that's saying a lot. I think that maybe the arm gesture threw him off. Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I have no clue as to what I could have possibly done to anger him. Long story short, he ended up dropping me off on the side of the road in 100 degree heat. Completely stranded. It was the kind of incident that makes you feel proud for keeping your sh*t together, so to speak. So in the 3 1/2 months I have lived in China, either I have suddenly become extremely patient and tolerant, or 3 1/2 months of living in China has taught me to choose my battles. Probably the latter.  In that regard, I think it might have a bit to do my not living near any of my friends. If i want to meet my friends in Hangzhou, its a pretty hefty cab fare. I feel a bit isolated and although I initially ignored it, when I decided to take this job I had a lingering feeling that at some point isolation would make its debut, even if isolation meant a 7 km gap that was littered with traffic. But hey, I knew what I was signing up for when I signed the contract. Contract number 3, remember? I knew I wouldn't be within walking distance to the people and the places that I had become so familiar with during my first month here in Hangzhou. Everyone has their breaking point; emotionally, mentally, physically. Regardless of how strong you are, there comes a time, given your situation, when your strength will be challenged and you will end up losing a battle. Perhaps just admitting defeat is the hardest, for me. But in order to never truly be defeated, one must move on.  It's an interesting conundrum. If you have a bad day and cry yourself to sleep, it does not mean that you won't wake up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. In trying to explain the ups and the downs of living here to people who have never lived abroad, yet alone in Asia, its nearly impossible. I can imagine how I sound. Perhaps a few people would say that I'm getting what I signed up for. And perhaps they are right. Who am I to complain when I intentionally sought out this adventure, knowing that consequences and mishaps would indefinitely be part of the deal? Some people are natural explorers who always want to see a new place and see how the rest of the world lives.  And its impossible to explain in such a way that the person on the other end is even capable of relating. And if you can't relate to them, what does that even leave? In the absence of a war,  I am definitely fighting my own battles here. I have great days and I have terrible days. When the terrible days come, the only thing in the world you want is for the people that you care about to understand and relate to what you're going through. But usually they can't. And even if they claim to understand your predicaments, they could never really understand your exact emotions without going through them themselves. That's when it feels like you've hit a brick wall. I really like China, and enjoy the company of both foreigners and Chinese, but sometimes the veiled animosity among both sides is discomfiting. Awkward. Like trying to strike the perfect balance between the social butterfly and the disengaged loner. Hell, I'd be happy if the Chinese that I work with said hello to me when I walked in the office. Rather, I am greeted without eye contact or smiles and the constant sound of whispers. The sound of whispers spoken in Mandarin, which actually makes me smile. Do they not realize that I still wouldn't have a clue what they were saying if they shouted  it to each other? They don't. And it puts a smile on my face.

                                                     Night club shenanigans 

                                                  Our little family at Reggae Bar

                             The group enjoying a bbq at Bruno and his father's flat

3rd times a charm...

This Saturday, August 31, 2013, will mark my being in China for 3 months. 3 months, 3 cities and 3 jobs. I ended up leaving the kindergarten. Something that, if I lived anywhere else in the world other than China, I would feel very flaky about. And although I have always been somewhat of a gypsy, 3 different jobs in just 3 months is something that is seemingly very normal in China (for us Westerners, that is). Its rare to meet other Westerners in China who came to China for one job and who are actually still working at that same job months down the road. If I've learned anything from living here, I have learned this: you have to look out for numero uno. Being selfish, sticking to your guns and principles and fishing for the best offer are essential to survival here. A bit difficult for me, as I have never been a money-oriented person.

Prior to moving to China, I could never have imagined that such a love/hate relationship could exist. What a remarkable thing it is to live in a place that constantly forces you to reflect upon yourself. A constant battle of questioning where you stand and whether or not what you believe in is accurate or should be regarded as the 'right' way of thinking. My mind is always spinning, my wheels are always turning. With every corner I turn a new poem is born, a new opinion is formed. I love it here, I hate it here. I want nothing more than to become completely immersed in China's culture; I want nothing more than to be at home with my family in Texas and my friends in Colorado. So much reflection also steers you in the direction of thinking about the people in your life that you care about...and the people in your life that you would like to (and perhaps should) get to know better. Maybe its some weird way of prioritizing, maybe its clarity. Whatever it is, it has never been as clear to me as it is now. I can't say that I'm seeing the world through rose colored glasses, but I can definitely say that the glasses I'm looking through nowadays aren't foggy. In fact, they're crystal clear. Perhaps China is the best therapist a person could every ask for. I think your skin gets thicker here, because it has to. You toughen up after living here for a while, because you have to. I hate to use the term 'survival mode,' but that's exactly what it is. Survival mode in a non suffrage way. Strength and weight training, minus the actual weights.

So here are these students names in order from left to right...Strawberry, Only, Jasmeene and Tango. Can't blame the Chinese for trying. Love it!

This guy's family has a 'liang pi' stand in the old town street near my school. This guy is a trip and a half! I always know when he is around because I can hear him yell,  "Hey sexy lady America! Hey sexy lady America!"...It's pretty hilarious.

This student's name is Bob. And because this class has 2 little boys named Bob, he is Bob 1. When I take attendance at the beginning of class, he only responds to 'Bob 1,' not 'Bob.'...and if you ask him what his name is, you get the same response. Not 'Bob,' but "Bob 1!" God forbid if I ever mistakenly called him 'Bob 2.' Classic.

My American friend Jason and I at our Brazilian friend Bruno's house for a bbq last night. Last night marked the 1st night in 3 months that I have consumed proper meat. Let's just say that I didn't leave the party hungry. European beers, real meat and hanging out with fellow Westerners (there were 6 of us from 5 different countries). Such richness in cultural diversity amongst friends is abysmal. A bigger treat than you can imagine.

Alfred goes mental, I decline an invite to a 'Chinese Valentine's Day' party and Frank Zappa nights

Yesterday was Chinese Valentine's Day, and you guessed it, Alfred called and invited me to a party with his work. (I find this amusing for 2 reasons..first, they also celebrate our valentines day on Feb 14th, and also because I've never seen a Chinese public display of affection. Suffice it to say they are a pretty cold race and do not exhibit physical acts of affection...with family or lovers. Its weird.) Anyhoo, I politely declined his invitation. Oh yeah, and this is rich, when he invited me he told me that I should wear "perfume and a dress." Really? I asked him why and he says to me, "because then you will be so popular there!" Interesting. But seeing that I have a 10 pm curfew and he invited me at 7, it just wasn't happening. Never mind the fact that we would have been taken to the party via a 'party bus' with 70 other people. This cracked me up because the Chinese do not party. I mean, one beer and they're sh*t canned. They just don't party. But hey, that's cool, a party bus for party people. Two and a half hours pass and I get a facebook friend request from him. Had I not blocked him on facebook, I literally would have been his only friend on there. Who goes to the trouble of creating a facebook account (in china!) to have 1 single friend on it? So 3 hours pass and I start receiving text messages from him.  (I'm just going to type them all in a row)  "...so sad :( / so sad, so dispointing. it only take 10 minutes by taxi/ i have red wine waiting for you/ ur school rule sucks. i wish u were here/ everyone so disappointed with me because you didnt come..." One thing I should clarify is that if there is one thing the Chinese hate more than anything in the world, its losing face. Safe to say Alfred lost some face last night with his co-workers by me not showing up. One more hour passes, and then the obsessive instant messages on QQ start. I'm talking like 20-30 messages within 30 minutes. I eventually block him. I actually thought that would help. Nope. He then proceeds to friend me back on QQ using (and I counted the exact number) 23 fake names. Every time a new one pops up, I block and delete...block and delete...block and delete, again. To bring this story to an end I will wrap it up by saying that I awoke this morning to 2 of the cruelest, creepiest and coldest emails I have ever received in my life. From Alfred. No need for me to go into what they were about, but lets just say that they scared the shit out of me and the security guard at my school has been told to never let him in. Today I only received 5 'fake friend' requests from him on QQ. Things are looking up, yay!

Tonight I had 2 knocks on my door. The first was because John the Brit sent a link to me on facebook that made me laugh so hard I almost pissed my pants (yes, people actually came and knocked on my door to see if I was 'ok'. Apparently I have inherited my father's robust laugh).  I will copy the link below, because its just that good. Very typical China. The second knock came about 50 minutes later (mind you, its only 11:10 pm here right now).  This time I'm pretty sure the knock was in response to the music I was playing. I had "Willie The Pimp" by Frank Zappa playing. Loudly. However this time, I knew the person knocking on my door. It was my friend Anna, a Chinese teacher who lives down the hall. In her best broken English she says something to the likes of "Oh, I didn't realize you awake. Heard music. Oh. Ok. Ok. goodnight. Ok." Haha! The only thing I did throughout the duration of this 'conversation' was nod my head and smile. Fair enough. So as for now, I've traded my speakers for headphones, Frank Zappa for a mobster documentary on youtube and my cup of cabernet for a cup of green tea. And hopefully before too long, I'll drift into a blissful stage of REM that is free of Alfred and full of rock and roll.

A must see:  http://www.buzzfeed.com/nataliemorin/chinese-signs-that-got-seriously-lost-in-tranlsation

Setting boundaries w/ Alfred...and tons of pics of my school

Well, I laid down the law with Alfred today. Hope I didn't break his little heart, but none the less I'm proud of myself for doing so. He messaged me on QQ this afternoon telling me that his company wants to transfer him to the Beijing office. Mind you, he had already messaged me earlier today and asked some rather personal questions...to which I finally had to start responding to in 'all caps' (something I don't do when communicating with another person). I couldn't believe he had the gall to ask me some of the things he was asking. And no, they weren't sexual questions, just personal and none of his business. So a couple of hours after the all caps incident, I get the QQ message about him moving to Beijing. Hmmm? Seemed a bit suspicious to me. Was it an attempt to get pity out of me? Possibly. I responded to him via text message while walking to grab some dinner. I told him that I was sorry to hear that. His immediate response? "Can I go to ur place now?" Umm, no, you can't. I responded back telling him no because I was out getting dinner. He responds back (and I'm using these quotation marks accurately), "ok, i c. if u dnt mind i would like to visit you everyday." Wow, I think to myself, this guy wastes absolutely no time at all and is also very shameless...or crazy and obsessed. I immediately respond to this with, "i don't know about that. that is an awful lot and i don't want to get in trouble with my school (security guard incident). we are friends, alfred. i am not your girlfriend." Ten minutes pass, ten long minutes, and I get this gem of a text..."i know. but i really love u and u dnt need to do anything in return. i know im not good enough to be ur bf, i just behave like a close friend. can i?" WHAT!? (sorry, all caps were merited just then.) I wanted to tell him that first of all, my close male friends don't simultaneously give me the creeps while I am enjoying their friendship. Second of all, I don't make 'good' friends in 14 hours. Wtf!? I tell him, "yes, but close friends don't hang out that much. its not normal to spend that much time together...we can hangout sometimes, just not everyday. u have to have what we call in america 'boundaries.' i hope you understand." He tells me, "ok, i c," and that was exactly one hour and 13 minutes ago. So that's that. My friend John (John the Brit), told me that it sounds like Alfred might have a little problem with possessiveness. I think I concur. 

On a happier note, here are some pics of my new school. There is a lot of construction going on right now in preparation for the kiddos coming back to school September 1st. It really is a lovely school. Has all the amenities of an American school. Not to mention that every classroom is equipped with a piano...which means most nights after a couple glasses of red wine, I sneak into one of the classrooms and go to town for an hour or so. It's great therapy. Also been dealing with a pretty gnarly stomach ache for the last 2 days. Went on to webmd.com and according to them I'm either suffering from viral gastroenteritis, giardiasis or food poisoning. Awesome! Like I've said before, every day in China is blessed with surprises, haha!

              I live on the 5th floor of this building. School is 3 different big buildings.

                    Thank God the construction is on 2nd floor.  I can't hear a thing!

                Inside some of the classrooms...and the piano I sneak down to play at night.

“For the perfect idler, for the passionate observer it becomes an immense source of enjoyment to establish his dwelling in the throng, in the ebb and flow, the bustle, the fleeting and the infinite. To be away from home and yet to feel at home anywhere; to see the world, to be at the very center of the world, and yet to be unseen of the world, such are some of the minor pleasures of those independent, intense and impartial spirits, who do not lend themselves easily to linguistic definitions. The observer is a prince enjoying his incognito wherever he goes.”   Charles Baudelaire 

Joe, Dane and I at the West Lake Youth House. Awesome hostel I stayed at for 11 nights, prior to getting a private room at my school. They are Australian and are traveling from Beijing to St. Petersburg, via The Trans-Siberian Railway. They're on it right now, pretty cool.


More pictures from Hangzhou...

native nights...And realizing that not one room in the 5 floor building you live in has a fire detector

Walked to old street area tonight...and took pictures all along the way. Pictures with better light were taken close to where I live/work, the others were taken in old street area, my favorite part of this town. This town really comes to life at night. I imagine that's due to 2 things. One, that that's when a lot of people work to earn their living (selling food,  jewelry and mostly items indigenous to their native province), and also because its just so freaking hot here during the day. Like a lot of places, Hangzhou and Shanghai have recently  been hitting all time high's in terms of temperature. People hangout in the malls and subway systems all day just to escape the heat. So when the sun finally goes down it really starts to feel like this city has a pulse. I love it!

 This little girl was dying for me to take her picture, it was really cute! But she wouldn't stay still in her poses and after 5 attempts this was the final shot.

 This guy's making 'pao mo.' It's like 'chinese pie bread,' good stuff.

Realized my room doesn't have a smoke detector. Turns out none of the rooms in my 5 story building do. Kind of humorous. More on this later though...

 Chicken feet. No, I haven't gone there yet. Not yet, its too soon.